Who's Driving?

By Dr. Jennifer Shindman

Imagine you’re driving along, heading somewhere important. The road is clear, the music’s playing, and you’re focused on your direction. Then, one by one, some passengers start climbing into your car.

Anxiety takes the seat right beside you, tapping your shoulder: “Are you sure you’re going the right way? What if you miss your turn?” Anger climbs in behind you, slamming the door: “I can’t believe they cut you off again! You should teach them a lesson.” And then Shame slides quietly into the backseat, whispering: “You never get this right. You should probably just turn around.”

They mean well, in their own ways. They’re just trying to help you stay safe, avoid pain, or do better next time. But when you start believing everything they say, something dangerous happens — they grab the wheel.

And when emotions take the wheel, the ride changes. You start reacting instead of responding. You speed up when you need to slow down, or you swerve just to avoid discomfort. Before long, you’re miles away from where you actually wanted to go. Below are a few tips for driving in the direction you want to go and preventing unhelpful negative emotions from "taking the wheel."

Step 1: Notice Who’s Driving

The first step is to simply notice who’s in charge at the moment.

You might ask yourself, “Who’s steering right now — me, or my fear? My anger? My guilt?”

This small pause creates space. It helps you realize that emotions, while powerful, don’t have to dictate your direction. You can thank them for their input — “Thanks, fear, I know you’re trying to protect me” — and gently take back the wheel. You’re not kicking them out of the car. You’re just reminding them who the driver is.

Step 2: Listen, Don’t Obey

When emotions get loud, it’s tempting to either fight them or obey them. Neither works for long.

Instead, try listening with curiosity. Ask, “What are you afraid would happen if I didn’t listen to you?” or “What are you trying to protect me from?”

Sometimes, you’ll find that behind anger is hurt. Behind anxiety is a need for control or certainty. Behind shame is a longing to be accepted. When you listen rather than argue, those emotions tend to relax a little — like passengers who just needed to know the driver heard them.

Step 3: Steer by Your Values

Once the noise quiets, you can turn your focus back to the road — not the detours your emotions want to take, but the direction you actually care about. Maybe that means moving toward connection, honesty, creativity, or courage — whatever your internal compass points to. The emotions can come along for the ride. They don’t have to disappear for you to move forward.

In fact, the more you let them ride without giving them control, the more trust you build with yourself. You learn that you can feel anxious and still take the next step, feel sad and still keep showing up, feel angry and still choose kindness.

Step 4: Keep Checking the Dashboard

Every so often, check in. Ask yourself, “Am I driving toward what matters most, or have my emotions started navigating again?” If you’ve veered off course, no problem. Just notice it. Gently correct the wheel. You can always return to the road that feels right for you.

The Takeaway

Difficult emotions will always be part of the journey — they’re the passengers you can’t avoid. But you don’t have to let them drive.

You can listen to them, learn from them, and still keep your hands on the wheel. The more you practice noticing, understanding, and steering by your values, the steadier your ride becomes — no matter who’s sitting beside you.