EMOTIONAL OCEAN SERIES — BLOG POST #3

Tsunami or Small Wave? Matching the Skill to the Emotional Wave

By Dr. Jennifer Shindman

When therapy feels ineffective, it’s usually because the strategy doesn’t match the emotional state.

You’re trying to use shoreline skills when you’re actually treading water.

Or you’re using emergency survival skills when you’re already grounded enough to explore deeper meaning.

The Three Emotional Zones

1. Drowning (High Dysregulation)You need physiological calming—TIP skills, grounding, breathing, movement.

2. Shoreline (Moderate Distress)You can use thinking tools—identifying traps, reframing, practicing flexible thinking.

3. Dry Sand (Calm or Stable)This is when you can do the deep work:values, long-term patterns, exposure, emotional processing, building new habits.

Each zone requires different tools.

Why Logical Insight Often Doesn’t Change How You Feel

Many people beat themselves up for knowing something logically but not feeling it emotionally.

But the emotional ocean has its own rules.

You can know:

“I’m safe” “I’m not a failure” “This isn’t all my fault”

…but if your nervous system still feels like you’re drowning, that truth won’t register.

Emotional truth comes online only when your body is calm enough to receive it.

This is why compassion matters.

You aren’t stubborn. You aren’t being dramatic. Your brain is trying to protect you.

Compassion Is the Bridge

Compassion is what helps you say:

“I’m struggling because this is hard—not because I’m failing.”

Self-compassion softens reactivity, reduces shame, and helps you return to the shoreline faster.

It’s not indulgent. It’s a regulation tool.

Takeaway

The goal is not to control the ocean. It’s to learn how to navigate it with the right tools at the right time.

Your emotions will never be completely predictable—but your ability to respond skillfully can grow over time.